Do you have siblings who don’t get on?
Or do you see competition between your children for your attention?
You are not alone. Nip it in the bud.
A major trauma that is surprisingly common for a lot of children is the day a sibling is born and comes into his/her home. I say ‘Surprising’ because you might think this is a wonderful experience; to bring this beautiful gift into the family and you probably think that you have prepared your son / daughter for this new arrival so well. However what a child hears and what they think is very different to how they feel and at an early age how they feel dominates their perception and their experience of their world.
Lets break this down – The fundamental function of a family is to provide safety and security for a child. After their basic physical needs of food, water and shelter are taken care of, a child’s emotional needs become the priority. Through the relationship with the mother and father the child feels loved, protected and valued; creating the foundation for good self-esteem and self worth.
You, as parents, are the center of their world just as they are the center of yours. But then a new baby comes along and the first child can feel that they have been replaced and rejected. Without cognitive reasoning the child may feel that they are no longer as important as they were. T
Happy Child with Mum
hey may ask themselves
“What have I done wrong?”
“Why have they replaced me?”
“Am I not good enough any more?”
These feelings of insecurity and hurt can cause resentment towards the new baby but what I find more common is that the child now believes that they are “not enough” and they begin to doubt their own self worth. Their perception especially so early on in life will become their reality and establishes a breading ground for further underlying problems in their development.
The energetic connection between a parent and child forms a bond that the child depends on to keep them feeling safe. If this bond is threatened, then the child’s sense of safety and security is threatened. Like any fight or flight response under stress they react in order to preserve their own survival. There are two genera responses:
- Taking the fight reaction they may start acting out, becoming angry and having tantrums. You may see your son or daughter get more frustrated and vying for your attention. This can be part of prolonged bed-wetting for example or learning difficulties. My own son established a stutter after our daughter was born and we needed to get help to correct it. At the time I didn’t make the connection.
- Taking the flight response they are more likely to become withdrawn, shy and anxious. You will see more separation anxiety or problems with eating patterns, digestion or allergies.
The child’s underlying sense of rejection leads to fear of further rejection. We assume they will grow out of it but this can form the basis of dysfunctional behaviour throughout the child’s life if not addressed properly. A lot of the growing numbers of anxiety cases that I see in my clinic are the result of these sorts of difficulties. It can create either the victim or the bully mentality.
As an example, one 9 yr. old boy, Sam, was having problems at school. He was disruptive and could not concentrate. His Mum brought him to see me because of his angry outbursts and his strong sense of injustice. Sam’s mantra was “that’s not fair”. He clashed with his teachers and although he was bright he was not motivated. Once we cleared the emotional defences that he used to cover up his deep-seated guilt and shame, his behaviour started to improve. It took a few more sessions to rebuild Sam’s self worth so that he could find learning more fun and start to enjoy school.
Recently I treated a 23-year-old woman, Chanel who was shy and introverted. She had suffered from anxiety for many years. She explained to me that throughout school she found it hard to make friends, was often paranoid about what others though about her which made it difficult for her to maintain relationships. She was smart and doing well at university but on her work experience she was being bullying which brought her to see me. We discovered that she subconsciously felt so unwelcome in her family, because of the resentment she felt from her older sister, that she felt guilty for her own existence. She could not find her position in her own life. Chanel had little or no resilience due to her lack of self worth. Within a few sessions we turned her life around.
This is what Chanel had to say about how Kinesiology helped her;
Sad little girl disconnected from family.
“I had tried seeing psychologists for a while and whilst I felt OK in the short-term, I still struggled to live life without constant angst and fear. I’m not sure how to explain the effect of your sessions – I just know that it’s only now that I feel I am truly living life and I wish I had come to see you sooner.
I don’t think about the girl I used to be much, nor do I find myself falling into the mindset I was once trapped in. Life around me hasn’t changed but I have learnt how to deal with it. I finally feel free to be me. “
I’m not trying to frighten you as parents, (the task is challenging enough) but I do want to provide an alternative solution to a problem that does not make logical sense to you. Their perception often isn’t logical or rational. Every parent is doing the best they can and in most cases loves each of their children equally, but the child’s perception of being neglected and not being the favourite, is real for them. A few sessions of kinesiology can quickly and easily uncover the underlying cause of some unwanted behaviour and set them on the right track.
Here’s a little story you might like to use with your children to give them a new perspective. I explain that even though they may have felt neglected when they were little, (acknowledging their feelings) that it was just a misunderstanding. You can say “the reason Mum and Dad had another ‘boy or girl’ was because they loved you SO much that they wanted another one”. It’s simple but I always get a smile – at all ages, even the 20 year old!
Does some of this sound familiar to you? How was your own reaction to your sibling/s coming along? Was your relationship with your parents affected? Just like some of the kids I see, many adults display relationship challenges and self-esteem issues related to the experience they went through early in their life. It’s well worth investigating to see if this is part of what could be holding you back as it is very quick and easy to correct.
If you have a child who is struggling to feel safe and secure in the family, who is anxious or who plays up for attention then nip it in the bud an
d bring then to see me. We will sort it out quick smart.
I love happy families.